Ever felt lonely? And for what seemed like forever? Did it feel like a weight stuck with you? Like a gnawing hunger? Or like emotional arthritis on a rainy day? You might feel abandoned, ignored, rejected, marginalized, cast aside, or passed over, like the man at the pool of Bethsaida. There’s always someone ahead of you in line to get married or engaged, while you’ve been waiting far longer. Not all singles are lonely. But many are.
Even if you aren’t single, you’ll benefit from exploring the issue of loneliness in case it impacts a friend or maybe you down the road. Dating, engaged, or married people get lonely, too.
Being alone isn’t being lonely. Everyone needs time to recharge, quiet their minds, and refocus on spiritual priorities. But loneliness is unwanted alone time. Maybe you have a free evening and all your friends are busy. Or it could be more long-term. Your best friend moved away, you had a recent breakup, or you haven’t dated in a while. You go to work, hit up the gym, and come home at night, with no spouse and little community except weekend church.
Loneliness, perhaps most of all, is a feeling of emptiness. Something, or someone, is missing. It can go on for hours, days, weeks, or even longer. You want to connect with people around you but just can’t. It may feel like it’s your fault. However, it’s probably more complicated than that. We’ll explore four helpful ways to face loneliness, so that it becomes more manageable and less overwhelming.
Know how it impacts your emotions
When you face loneliness, it will certainly affect you. It’s a very strong and biting experience. The first key to facing loneliness is learning how it impacts your emotions. As we’ll see, the key isn’t to suppress or indulge these emotions but rather to direct them appropriately.
Likely you’ll experience emotional turbulence, perhaps to the point of impacting your mental judgment. You may feel such strong emotions that they begin to seem like permanent beliefs instead of temporary feelings. This isn’t necessarily true. You may just be feeling upset and frustrated but still be rock solid in your ultimate faith in God.
However, it’s possible you’ll in fact see permanent beliefs you wouldn’t at other times—for instance, that God has abandoned you, that you’ll always be alone forever, or that you must cope with this however possible (even if sinfully). We typically think of belief as something that you hold to over the long haul. Yet belief is also something that can lay dormant until a real test comes. The real belief was there all along, but loneliness brought it to light.
In addition, since your emotions are impacted, you may feel an impulse to cope with loneliness somehow. After all, it is a stressor. Desiring to cope is not necessarily bad. When we feel tired, we take a nap. But wanting to cope with negative circumstances is perhaps an easy opportunity for sinful temptations to creep in. Be on guard in these times. The well-known acronym HALTS reminds us that we are often tempted when hungry, angry, lonely, tired, or stressed.
There’s a stronger link between loneliness and pornography than you might think. Loneliness and its emotions, along with poor spiritual habits, can usher in the temptation to view pornography. People don’t just view porn for the heck of it. They struggle with emotions and beliefs in the preceding moments. Porn then becomes the coping mechanism to temporarily ease the difficult emotions (and beliefs). We feel emotions all the time. God designed us that way. Even anger in and of itself is not necessarily a sin, and that’s one of the strongest emotions out there. Loneliness is strong, as well. As it undoubtedly impacts emotions, we shouldn’t suppress or ignore them. This will breed bitterness, and it will come out eventually. Neither should we indulge them through pornography, thinking negatively of others, etc. We must direct these emotions to God directly in prayer and share them with others we know and trust.
Casting call for community
The second way to face loneliness involves finding as much community as possible. But isn’t it a bit cliché to say we need community? Still, let’s explore why this is true.
For one, America in the early 21st century is a very divided nation—politically, morally, etc. It can be hard to connect with people not like you. People are all over the place. The car has transformed the landscape of human interaction perhaps more than anything else over the last hundred years. People drive to work—often quite a distance from where they live. We even drive to attend church. Historically, Christians have attended church very close to their home. What other option did they have? Today, we’re not as involved with our neighborhoods. We’re living in the advanced stages of expressive individualism, where identity is found from a personal declaration (“I identify as X or Y”), sometimes as the culmination of a long self-discovery journey.
All these cultural realities add up like an unexpectedly high grocery bill. And what’s the price? Lack of community, fellowship, and authentic human interaction with commitment.
Community and connection are the real antidotes to loneliness. Getting involved with your local church is the best recommendation. Attend Bible studies, message a friend that you’re praying for them, or invite people over to watch sports and chat. Start something new. Can you fulfill the command of 1 John 4:7 alone? Of course not, unless “Let us love one another” means love your imaginary friends.
Community gets us involved in the lives of others. When your friend talks about their job struggles or recent breakup or even their sibling who is far from God, it takes the focus off you and your loneliness. You’re now able to spend that time empathizing, praying, and responding in love. It’s also okay for you to share with someone how difficult loneliness is and let them empathize with you.
But what if community isn’t instantly available? Maybe you’ve messaged or called a few people and everyone is busy with prior plans. What then?
Let God meet you there
When you face a lonely evening without the ability to see another human, God stands ready to meet you exactly where you are, in your house and in your loneliness. Being lonely is one of the greatest and easiest opportunities to pray. After all, more than likely you have time, and no one’s around to distract you. This is a chance for you to pray like Jesus said in Matthew 6:6—”But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret.” Speaking of Jesus, he often prayed alone with his Father. True, he sought his alone-time between periods of intensely busy ministry. Yet the need still exists to pray alone – whether it’s easy to find quiet spaces.
God is a friend to lonely people. He ministers to the brokenhearted soul, the one who has found disappointingly lonely circumstances. He meets you at the exact longitude and latitude of whatever lonely place you’ve found. He listens to your cries, requests, and laments. (Side note: prayers of lament are very frequent in the Psalms!) Then he speaks to you through his Word. While it’d be nice to hear directly from God, his Word is chock full of promises and truths that echo his presence and equipping.
God meets you at the exact longitude and latitude of whatever lonely place you’ve found.
In Genesis 32, Jacob found himself alone one night. He’d sent his wives and children ahead of him across the river to meet his brother Esau. That night he wrestled with God—all night, in fact. While it’s not definitive that he was feeling lonely, he nonetheless used the occasion to draw close to God. He even made a demand in verse 26: “I will not let you go unless me.”
This is a great way to face loneliness: spend time with God, let him meet you there, and ask him to bless you.
You’re not alone in being lonely
Did you know tons of people experience loneliness? Hopefully that provides some comfort, and not in the sense that misery loves company. Rather, it’s an encouragement that, no matter how painful or challenging loneliness feels, others out there know what it’s like. You’re not the only one who’s been through this.
This matters because the ground you tread is well-traveled, like a trail that’s had its share of footprints even though no one else is there at the moment. The other travelers got to where they were going. You can, too.
This is a bit of a minor point compared to the others, yet no less a part of the strategy you can use to face loneliness.
To face or not?
You have a choice with all these suggestions. You can read them all and think it’s well and good but ignore them in the moment. Or you can resolve to be aware of ways to deal with the feelings next time they arise. Loneliness can be faced. Maybe you’ll even think of some other ways.